"To My 18 Year Old Self"

 You know that question that people like to ask? The one question that can literally go in a million directions? It’s a question I get asked at least three times a year, if not more. 

Where do you see yourself in ____ years? 

Some people ask the minimum and only want to know about your year-long goals, but then there are others who take the leap and ask you to think about where you see yourself in ten or more years. They ask you with a sense of wanting to know more about you, your goals, ambitions and drives. They try to understand what motivates you and whether or not you have the willpower to get to the end point of reaching your goals that you tell them. Almost like a sense of accountability and sometimes, at least in my mind, there’s a lot of pressure to make sure that I complete those goals...to follow through. 

Ten years ago, I am sure that I was asked this same question, probably for an English class assignment or essay, or within a group setting like my church youth group. Looking back to ten years ago, I was eighteen, a senior in high school, preparing to graduate. Ten years ago, I was also homeless, living in a shelter while attending school and working a minimum wage job where I earned $7.40 an hour, flipping burgers and being yelled at by customers for not having the right amount of pickles on their sandwiches.Ten years ago, when asked this question, I am sure my answer was very similar to those in my class: “In ten years, I see myself as a college graduate, having a good job, a home, married and children.” 

Well...let’s talk about those ten years. They are definitely years that I never thought I would live or experience. When I was eighteen, I certainly didn’t think I would live five years out of the next ten being homeless, traveling from place to place, living with random people as I slept on bed bug infested furniture, stealing food from restaurants because I was hungry. At eighteen, I never thought  that in those following ten years, I would know the pain and the suffering that comes with losing a child, not just one, but two babies within a matter of a year. I never thought that I would experience the trauma of being raped repeatedly by men who I didn’t know, or be tossed a quarter afterwards- ten years ago, I never thought my value to someone was only twenty-five cents. When I was eighteen, I never thought that by the time I was twenty-eight, I wouldn’t be married or a mom. Throughout all of the bad things that happened in those ten years, I never thought those things would still be things that I am waiting and praying for. 

It’s been ten years since I was asked to write that essay. But it’s only been a week since I was last asked that one question and I can’t stop thinking about it. Now at twenty-eight, I have learned a lot of things, things that I wish I could go back and tell my dumb, arrogant and naive eighteen year old self. Maybe if I was able to tell her the things that I know now, maybe her life would have been just a little bit different. Maybe I could have protected her from experiencing that pain and trauma of abandonment, abuse, loneliness, rejection, and fear--oh how I wish I could give that little girl a hug. 

The truth is, honestly, if I could go back those ten years and speak to that same girl who I want to hug, I would also tell her about all of the blessings that come in those years ahead of her. I would tell her how she gets to move to Alaska and experience the power of God’s creation. I would tell her how Jesus saved her at the age of 21. I would tell her about the hundred different people that she gets to meet, befriend, and do life with...people who would truly love her, encourage her and walk life with her. If I could back to that eighteen year old girl, I would tell her that even though bad things happen, they don’t define her. I would tell her that she is worth more than twenty-five cents. I would tell her that she is so loved and that she has so much strength, courage and bravery-that she is one of the strongest women that I know now. 

Now at twenty-eight, I wouldn’t change anything that has happened. At twenty-eight, I realize that the plans that I had for myself at eighteen while writing that essay, were not the plans that God had for me at the end of those ten years.You see,  I’m not married. I don’t have children. I live in an upstairs apartment where the cupboard doors don’t close all the way and the walls are covered in cracks from water damage. I don’t have money in the bank or a savings account with thousands of dollars from previous years worked. I don’t have a fancy car or nice things, but what I do have is a life with Jesus and life full of joy and blessings. 

 

Looking back, I am so proud of that young, strong, brave eighteen year old girl. I am proud of who she has become. At twenty-eight, that same girl, who was once homeless and had nothing,  is now a business owner doing what she loves the most-photography. That same girl who slept on a metal bunk bed at the homeless shelter, now has herself a full size bed with a room of her own. That girl who would dine and dash from restaurants just to make sure she could eat, now has a fridge full of healthy and delicious foods. She is stronger than she thought possible. She is brave and kind. Beautiful and smart. She is loved by a Heavenly Father who adores her and delights in her and all that she is. 

Now at twenty-eight, I am finally realizing the potential and the beautiful plans that Christ has for me. And right now, in this moment, it’s not marriage. It’s not children. It’s not money. It’s not a three story house. His plans are not my plans. His ways are not my ways. At twenty-eight, I have come to a place of peace, healing and restoration. He is mending my heart and soul to be more like Him. Christ has so much more of HIM that He wants to give to me, more than anything this world or man can give. 

And I would never change that for anything. 

My value is worth more than twenty-five cents. At twenty-eight, I know my worth is found in Christ and Christ alone. 

Priceless. 

So, where do I see myself in ten years? 

I have absolutely no idea. 

But I’m going to enjoy every moment that comes. 

The good, the bad and the hard times. 

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.